Karen's Place

Been having a good run actually. Feeling good, feel like things have gotten into place. Have seriously been late to many of my classes.. the one class that I feared was "Mental Health issues" because it sounded so full on, but no resulted to my intial thoughts - It was going to be good, and I was going to love it!

I just feel really tired right now. I know it's a bit "no shit" because it's 4:14AM and for someone who tried to get up earlier so i could drive down to s/vale on only a few hours sleep and having to extend the day til 4:00AM to be on a shift to keep a few people company - it's hard. It seems like some times I want to reach out, but no one is listening to what I'm saying. Makes me think that maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and not say anything.

I had a good dream yesterday. I dreamt about my journey and the escape I had from my own thoughts and problems and issues arising as bush fires that burnt on the sides of the path. Each time I past that area, I would be greated with yet another bush fire. Good thing was, i didn't stop, I just kept driving with a thought in my mind "Keep driving forward until you've drive past all the fires". And i did exactly that. I reached a lake and i knew i was safe. Then i was on a bike, riding along, peacefully.. but then came across a hill. Then a guy offered to give me a ride on his bike, so i hoped on, placed my feet on some bars to keep from kicking the wheels, and off we went. I looked behind me and saw another guy. He had a motorbike, but he was following me. And I thought to myself, "why is this guy using the push bike when he could've used the motor bike".

Strange dream. i guess it says a little of my unconscious thoughts. Feeling like i'm on track, like i've made the right decisions. I'm enjoying life and maybe now i want someone else to carry me for a while, but not struggle.. or that's my unconscious telling me that i'm fixated on a struggle with someone, when this person should just be a cruise.

I saw two couples that stood out to me today, on my very rushed, very blocked form of transporting. Everywhere i went there was someone in front of me. Driving, buying a ticket, buying food, on the tram, walking down the street, entering the building. Always someone blocking my freaking way. What is God trying to tell me.. who the hell is blocking me? Fuck off!

Anyway, two couples. One on the train, an asian couple. Girl was holding her boyfriends jacket pockets, while he was trying to stablise himself and he kissed her on forehead.. which i thought was nice. And a couple on the train, she sat inside, he sat outside. She kissed him, with a loud *muah* sound.

What are you trying to tell me God? Like seriously. I tried my best to make it to the 12.30 train, but missed because of all these people in the way, and i ended up with the 12.45 train, the one i tried to avoid, and then i ended up on the same bench with a guy who was drunk and the police were coming for him.

I'm thinking positive. Go things come to those who wait. i don't even know what I'm waiting for of if i'm waiting for that matter. Who's in the way. me? my ego? My prejudice? My expectations?

I dunno. I'm jsut really tired. That's all I know. Good things will come, don't worry. It's like. Save it. I say a lot of positive stuff to try to get people to believe, but why can't i listen to my own talking? So ironic and plays me for a fool.

Ah... what a good journey it has been. Really good. 6 sessions. on top of that, about three months of counselling school. lol. Trully enough to learn about myself in many ways using many tools and many different directions as possible.

I think I used to want to change too quickly. I wanted everything to be good too quickly. It was like I didn't want to deal with a lot of things I didn't even know existed, or dwelled on things that I didn't know were ok, or what they were.

Like the last post, I said i was falling. And rock bottom did i hit. But i was grateful that i didn't hit it. Then i could really just say to myself,

"Girlfriend, life is shithouse! You're not doing shit all. You're doing all this shit to just pretend everything is fine. Career.. like say what? Love life... getting shitted on over and over again. Money? Girlfriend, how are you going to live?"

So instead of feeling sorry for myself, i felt upset. I felt angry. I felt insecure. I felt uncertain. I felt vulnerable.

And then I let myself fall.

After falling and seeing worse things than i wanted. Understanding that many things are actually a reflection of myself hidden in my shadow. Understanding that other people are just as they are. Learning who I am. What does Karen Luu do. What does she look like. How does she view the world. What she values. Really made everything seem so much more lighter.

A lot lighter. I mean, if life was measured quantitively, then yeah, fuck, i'm at zero. But if life was measured at a qualitative sense, then yeah, i'm really good. I have time to spend doing things i like doing. I spend time doing homework and assignments because i like the topics, i like what i'm doing. I'm looking forward to starting the next term. Looking forward to the classes. I'm appreciative that i have some time just for myself at the moment. I like the fact that i'm still young enough to just watch tv alll freakin night... sleep in, eat trash... it's good.

I used to teach. I think i left tutoring because I felt like there was nothing else i could teach these kids. I didn't like the person i was. Grouchy. Mean. Goal-focused. Judegemental. Superficial. Materialistic. Everything was mesaured. Success could be measured by the amount of tangible "stuff" i had in front of me.

Also, a big part of why i couldn't teach anymore was because I felt like I wasn't smart enough to teach kids anything. What did I have to offer.

That thought did hit me. When you have a responsibility to teach a kid something, they see you as the smart person. But i felt like i wasn't smart enough to be that smart person - even though i craved to be that person.

What it feels like now, is like i'm sitting on a bench and i'm watching people walk by. I can see what kind of person they are, what their problem is, what's going on in their mind. Whether I choose to go there and walk with them is a matter of my choice, and of course, their consent. (Don't think dirty!)

It's like a gush of this cool wind blew past me, and I can feel my character shifting.

I took up private tutoring tonight. It wasn't until I hopped into that car that i realised, i've changed. I know i still felt a little unsure of whether i can help this kid, but i no longer felt like i had to "be smart" in order to "prove" that i was smart.

My new and first private student was actually a past student. I taught him when he was a little shy little year 9 boy and now he's in year 12. I remember him. He was adorable when he was young. He was talking to me and telling me what happened after "they kicked me out" of that joint on saturdays, and yeah. I didn't feel good, but it did make me feel happy in a sense. lol

I guess things just happen, and they affect this person and then it affects that. I wonder if I did cause a lot of this stuff to happen, whether one kid ended up doing ESL instead of English because I left and didn't teach him? Whether I made any contributions to these kids, or was it really just a chance for them to get close to someone, and have a good time. *shrugs*

Though, i'm taking responsibility for this kid. I want him to do well.

Even I couldn't believe i took this tutoring job. I guess it came from, I need money. LOL. I did ask the universe to give me a job that i liked. And i do like teaching. lol. I like writing. I write. So yeah... i guess it fits in.

Best thing is, i don't have to build a relationship with my student, because he already knows me. He knows what i'm about. He knows how I am.

I finished watching the entire season of my favourite sitcom. It was good. What was good is, you really feel like life moves. ANd they depict it well. It goes from one thing to another, and things happen for a reason. They push you closer to where you need to be, at the right moment that was proposed. I feel good.

I really feel good. Even though I don't have a set defined career. Even though i don't have a boyfriend. Even though I don't have a lot of money. I have a life.

I don't work with a candle next to me.

I don't look forward to the weekend.

I don't worry about people. (The best feeling ever! LOL)

I don't fear life.

What happens now is:

I choose when and what I want to work on.

I look forward to everyday.

I care about those I love and help those that want to be helped or supported.

I am ready for whatever life brings me, but I'm pretty sure the universe is hearing me out lately and they are going to deliver those things that I was talking.. Yeah universe?? lol

Pride is eliminated. If you're going to judge me because I don't work, or because I don't earn a substantial income or any income, because I'm still a student, because it seems like i'm not doing much everyday... well u know what. Fuck you. lol

Funny how some people can say things like, being in high school, you don't need to try hard. Education and marks isn't everything, it's all about how you lived and what extra curriculum things you do. Then they grow up and go to work, and then it's all about how much money you make in order to create the life you desire. lol. how ironic!

And to think the kind of person i was at 22. Wow. What a shift. lol.

And the person at 23.

And the person at early 24. LOL Good shift though.

i wonder what person I'll be at 25. What will I have done by then. Where would I be. And Who would i be with.

I'm glad certain things didn't happen and didn't work out. Okay yeah it sounds mean. LOL. But I'm REALLY glad it didn't work out. It would've made my life a whole lot different. A WHOLE lot different.

Now i'm just slowly floating into the arms of the right guy. The right job. The right path. The right life. :D

I like writing here because I can be as real as I want to be. Not to say that KLUUBLOG is fake, but just not a public disclosure of self.

I have sunk to the bottom at one stage. And beneath the dark waters I found some cards that lie hidden. I am a person that lays all the cards on the table, each turned over. I feel that I have nothing to hide. Though, when I got to the bottom, I found a lot of things i didn't even know existed. I think we all are afraid of what's in the deep end because we don't know what's there. We can't see really well without light, we can't identify what we see as well because we haven't seen it. It's kind of like having no idea of what to expect when there. So to avoid that confusion or fear, we just try to kick and stay afloat as best as we can. However, the more you kick, and paddle, you lose so much energy and you get tired.

While doing my conflict assignment, I remembered that we needed to learn about "triggers", things that trigger a certain feeling or emotion. I think two triggers shot through my facade and forced me to sink.

1. "I want to know how you stay so positive all the time."
2. "I envy the way you live."

Interestingly, these two statements are complimentary. They are not put downs. It triggered me because it made me face two things in my life, one was whether or not I was happy and positive all the time, and how I was living my life. There is a time after you've addressed a few issues that you get to this awkward stage where you're waiting for something to happen. It's called "impass" in counselling. It's when everything seems too calm, for too long. That was me. Too calm, too happy, too much of thinking that everything will be fine, when secretly I feared the months ahead.

I wasn't congruent with my thoughts and actions. I had thoughts of "happiness" but my body was getting sick and I was clearly stressed. The persona I set forth online was not the same person you see. It was a failure to emerge cognition and behaviour. There were many negative cards I turned over while at the bottom. Though to recognise these weaknesses means that I had to now focus on finding more about my identity, such as look for my skills. I had to be real. Like Dr. Phil says all the time, "Be Real". It was when I was real, that things started to happen miraculously.

In a sense, I'm so blessed to be studying Counselling. It gives me a HUGE opportunity to learn and be given exposure of a vast selection of tools and resources to be acquainted with to explore the depths of my self. It has in so many ways brought back the Karen that writes well, that is selective of eloquent language, as apposed to the lifeless, bimbo that hid so much and brought forth something that I didn't even know who that was.

So what now? Now I focus on looking at myself and looking for my strengths and skills I possess. Now, I be real and look at what I want to do with my life and be the kind of person I want to be. Now, I am real with my problems and my feelings and emotions. Now, I look at what I have in front of me and plan things using the skills I already possess and tools that I have learnt. I don't need to have someone tell me that money is the first step. Money is rarely the first step.

It makes me think of why people keep their cards hidden. At the same time, having cleared my mind allows me to see better. No more fog. When I see the card that's hidden, I realise why they hid it in the first place. And when I see the truth, it makes me feel... yuck. LOL I don't wanna go near that, or there.

So right now, I feel like what I've found beneath the dark waters is a lot more realistic and comfortable. I do want to stay here for a bit to see what else I can find before I resurface. I think there's still a lot more space and land to find more cool stuff! :D

I appreciate the City of Greater Dandenong and all of it's facilities. Without community help, we would all be in big trouble. I think so people take for granted just what we have to help. I am willing to take down my pride and receive the help I need now, so that I can give it back when I am a much better person. I will work on my goals and my dreams and do so in a realistic sense that I can live by.

Thanks to the persons who triggered me.

Life has carried me to this point. Fate has carried me into this tunnel. Love has asked me to find the way out.

Love wants you to believe. Love is an energy force that wants you to hold on to your belief that you will find a way to come out.

But your ego pushes you into places you dont want to go to, slams your head into things that hurt, traps you in places so tight you can't breathe.

Disassociation. Differentiation. Loneliness. Depression. Detachment.

"Desire to Help". Pressure. Responsibility. Time. Effort.

Help is needed when pain is felt, when anger arrives, when sadness immerses one. Though, when pain, anger or sadness is not present, there's no need for help.

So when there is not pain, there is no need for the helper. Helper or friend? Do friend only see you when it rains, or do they see you when it's sunny as well?

Holding your head above water. Kicking and striving. Exhaustion. Tired. Falling. Falling deeper and deeper. Realising there was more beneath the surface than what could have been seen while trying to keep your head above water. Unable to enjoy what was seen, heard, felt, tasted. But now falling. Sinking.

Watching being lived, but not wanting to live. Too afraid to live. Feeling too constraint to live. Don't know how to live.

Once hidden behind a mask, now mask is broken, mask is gone, what is there now? Truth. Weakness. Vulnerability.

Throwing a tennis ball against a wall, what do you get in return?

Everyone wanting a piece of your energy. A piece of your love. A piece of you. Stealing, taking, begging, demanding, whinging, crying. You don't have much left. Where to refuel? Who will give you some? Who will donate some energy and love to me?

Giving, giving, giving. I stop giving. They stop taking. Nothing to take? Walk away. Find the next best thing. Find the next source of energy.

Life is ongoing. Age creeps up on you. Change occurs. Maturation. Transition. Loss of identity? Recreation? Re-introduction? Re-invention?

"When you feel like hope is gone. Look inside you and be strong."

If you were deserted on an island, and you saw a boat coming towards you, who would you want to be on that boat?

Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... deep breath in and deep breath out.

Where the fuck is my life heading towards?

Why the fuck am i doing all these things?

Who the fuck is ACTUALLY helping me and who the fuck is actually giving me more headache?

Why should i fucken go around doing all these fucken things and for what purpose?

I'm so fucken tired, I've been sick fucken twice in a month already. My body is telling me to fucken slow down and look at what you're doing.

I don't know how long I can take this shit anymore. Fucken MOVE ALONG WILL YOU!